Almost two months ago, I mentioned one of the reasons for my absence in the blogosphere. It is indeed exciting and jittery to wait for the final mark of my thesis. Then, I got so busy with so many other things that I forgot about it. Until that ‘hey-what- now-moment’, I checked the official results on a Saturday… I did it — with a distinction mark!
Now I am writing to reflect genuinely and as raw as possible.
It was extra challenging in the first quarter of this year when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Long story. However, it was a result of my gynecology-related concern. I had a dramatic phase and I remember thinking of postponing my thesis submission just because (I thought) I lost the drive to do it.
The prior and current years were ultra exigent at work. It demanded so much of my energy and well… everything of me. I sacrificed a lot of things and thought of postponing my thesis submission because I just could not find the time anymore.
I am not a quitter. Yet, why did I even think of postponing the submission? I simply did not want to just pass. Forgive me if I will sound arrogant. However, when I started drafting my proposal for my area of study, I looked at it not just as a major requirement to complete a master’s programme. I wanted to contribute to the profession. Then, that longing branched out into other aspirations. I wanted my piece of work to be amongst the few selected to be archived in the library. As I went on and consistently consulted the criteria, I felt the drive to hit the distinction mark. Along the way, there were several road blocks. For a moment, I doubted if I would even pass. That made me re-evaluate my target and conclude that “Alright, I should at least pass.”
The days that followed were full of hiccups, yet faith endured. Whenever I tried to view things on a long-term basis, it was insane. I was constantly anxious. So, I decided to take one step at a time. I re-strategized and opted to take a minimalist approach. That I should not waste any minute for any negativity. That for each day I should do and surround myself with people and stuff that I love. Each day should be better than the past days, not exactly the day that preceded. I had an honest conversation with myself to identify the things that I would have had to sacrifice until my thesis is submitted (but never gave up the almost a month trip to US last July). Of course, I had my slippage, hence, I had to work on portions of some chapters while in the plane and other odd times and avenues. Since I did not want my health to suffer further, I had to view that each day only had 22 hours instead of 24 hours. Therefore, I automatically had ‘extra 2 hours’ for sleeping. Yeah, I had to re-imagine foolishness for my own benefit.
When I was doing the final edits, I did a mega starry-eyed and unsophisticated mistake. I accidentally deleted a paragraph from one of the chapters as I did a cut-paste. Surprisingly, I did not feel like punching myself. I found comfort that I did more than I could within the given equation and resources. I believed (and always do) that The One up there will take care of the rest. When I got the detailed feedback for each chapter, it was quite a shock that the chapter that I had that naive mistake rocketed my mark. On the other hand, the chapters that I thought I have done perfectly (hahaha) fell short.
Fast forward. Until I got my final marks for the entire programme, I did not realize that I am capable of foolishly grinning like Jim Carrey because I will be marching on stage for my graduation (been awarded with distinction) in UK soon. Old tunes are always a good idea – when we are hardest hit, the more that we should not quit. My heart is full of gratitude to The One up there.